Khaki Incarceration
by The EB's
Summary: After being featured on 'What Not To Wear' for their obsession with khaki, things quickly spiral out of control for Bella and Edward. Bella ends up in prison, Edward is distraught, Jacob has a plan, and poor Mike ends up dead. Can disco save the day?
1. Prologue

**A/N: So before you all read, you should know this is a parody and in no way serious. The story spawned from a hilarious thread on IMDB regarding the fabulous clothing and decor choices made by Stephenie Meyer throughout the twilight books. **

**It is a contributed effort from various posters who came together and created the Team Khaki Community on LJ.. to which we now unleash on you all. **

**If you head on over to our profile page you will find links to LJ community, where you will find a ton of fantastic manips done from various contributors relating to Khaki Incarceration Story. **

**Enjoy and remember.. it's just for fun. **

**Team Khaki does not own twilight or any of the character or any of their clothes (baha) they all belong to SM. **

**KHAKI INCARCERATION**

**Prologue**

Bella ran to the door as quickly as she could, trying not to trip over her unusually large sized swollen feet which were hidden inside of her rubber boots. She had not yet dressed and was only wearing a bathrobe and the boots. She opened the front door slightly, allowing herself to peek. It was Edward. He was majestic. Bella realized very quickly that she had to get dressed and only her best outfit would do today. She led Edward to the kitchen table; he had a catalogue with him. She wasn't sure what it was but excused herself to run to her room and get ready.

Bella stood in front of her mirror deliberating on shoes. She had put on her best long khaki skirt and blue blouse (Eddie's favorites!) but she just couldn't decide on shoes. Orthopedic sandals? Comfy rubber boots? Maybe the platforms Esme had loaned her? Bella wasn't sure what was up with Esme these days.

Carlisle had said she was feeling poorly, and put her on some new vamp drug. She seemed better, but had grown some facial hair. She seemed to like it. Bella purchased her a trimming set at the Newton's place last week, and Esme was ever so pleased.

Bella finally decided on the orthos, it would give Eddie something to stare at for awhile. He liked her feet. Ed was wearing his fro today, so Bella chucked hers on and headed downstairs….

Edward was still sitting at the table reading the catalogue, which Bella could now clearly see was "Undead and UnWed – Clothing Boutique' catalogue. He had circled several items, most likely for Alice to order online later. He lifted his head and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked.

He lifted the pages and showed her an item.

.com/pics/ttmerch/clothing/jedpinksidesmile .jpg

"It doesn't come in tan, Bella." He sobbed..

Bella tried to comfort Edward, but her attempts were interrupted by a knock at the door.

Still distraught, Edward let Bella answer the door while he choked back his sobs.

When Bella opened the door, she was shocked to find Stacey and Clinton of "What Not to Wear" and a camera crew there waiting.

Things were very tense at the Cullen house after that. It turned out that they had been nominated for the family edition of "What Not to Wear", and they had been secretly filmed for the last two weeks.

Bella and Edward did not understand – they both always wore their very best khaki when going out – what was the problem?


	2. Chapter 1

**We dont own Twilight.**

**Chapter One**

Over the course of the week, Bella ended up standing in front of the dreaded 3-way mirror and trying to defend herself. But Stacy and Clinton just did not approve of her khaki skirt, and ortho sandals. But they were even harder on poor Edward, who faced the 3-way mirror in his sleeveless open shirt, khaki pants and tan leather jacket.

As Stacy and Clinton filled trash cans with the Cullen wardrobe, Bella snapped.

"Sh-t! That's my skirt!" Bella screamed, clawing that the mass of khaki, now buried under layers of rain boots, sandals, and all things tan.

"Now it's time to review your secret footage." Clinton announced.

As the secret footage rolled, shot after shot of Edward in tan and khaki flashed over the screen. Each joke and sarcastic quip at his expense evoked a growl from Edward. His mood changed though when the footage eventually revealed that Jacob had been caught on tape too.

"And who the hell is this guy?" Stacy asked.

"What, are you two friends with the Hulk? Those sweats are disgusting!" Clinton added.

"Seriously, barefoot, shirtless, ripped up sweats…what's his excuse? Is he homeless?" Stacy continued.

This made Edward laugh. Finally the heat was off of him. Bella scowled at him.

The mood in the room tensed when the footage returned to Edward, now dressed in a skintight ivory turtleneck and his signature khakis.

Edward knew the sweater well; it was a gift from Alice, a lovely poly–spandex mix. It was Bella's favorite, and she often begged him to wear it. But the sweater pained Edward. It gave him an awful nipple rash, but he endured it because Bella loved it so…

The secret footage had captured Edward on the phone with Alice.

"That's it, Alice, no more picking out my clothes for me, this sweater is giving me a rash!" He shouted into the phone.

Then Bella entered the room. She pounced on Edward, pressing her body against his.

"For the love of God Bella, stop throwing yourself at me! I could seriously hurt you and well... this sweater chafes my nipples." Edward pleaded.

Bella ignored his requests and pushed on. The secret footage revealed scene after scene of the same thing – Edward begging for mercy for his nipples, and Bella continuing to jump him.

"Bella, stop please! My nipples! Noooooooo!!" Edward cried out.

Stacy and Clinton were no longer making jokes. They stopped rolling the secret footage, cut off the cameras, and turned Bella over to the authorities. It turns out they were legally obligated to contact the authorities after witnessing Bella assaulting Edward. Everything that "What Not to Wear" had caught on secret footage turned into evidence during a sexual harassment case against Bella.


	3. Chapter 2

**We dont own Twilight.**

**Chapter 2 **

AFTER THE TRIAL

Bella is sentenced to hard time for her continued assaults against Edward. She serves her time as inmate in the Forks Correctional Facility. She struggles with the knowledge that she must earn Edward's forgiveness.

Edward visits her, and he seems happy that there is now glass separating the two of them.

Bella wonders if it has been long enough for his nipples to heal.

It is hard for Edward to not be able to see Bella in all of her khaki glory, but he soon finds that the orange jumpsuit does something for him too…

One day, Edward's feelings boil over.

"Oh Bella, you look even better in orange than in our matching khaki. Why, why WHY did you have to rub my nipples??" He gushed.

Bella had no excuse for herself.

Bella still had feelings for Edward, but she'd made new friends on the inside...

She was surprised one afternoon in the lunch line when a familiar voice greeted her.

"Jacob, is that you serving my coleslaw?! "

Bella was relieved to see a familiar face.

Little did she know that Jacob was taking this opportunity to make his move.

Meanwhile Alice tries to plan a prison break.

Carlisle and Esme infiltrate the prison posing as the prison doctor and new guard.

Jacob gets wind of the prison break plan, and knows he must stop it. He must keep Bella in jail if he is going to have any chance with her.

BUT HOW?

* * *

Jacob's plan started by luring her in with the hope of helping her spring out... all the while sabotaging their plans to her caught in the act, making her term longer...

"Now Bella, if you take this toothbrush which I have carefully crafted into a knife you can begin scraping the walls of your cell." Jacob explains.

Bella snuck off to her cell to begin while Jacob dropped a subtle hint to the night shift guard...

But Jacob could take no chances. He also hid contraband in Bella's cell, and then reported her to the warden. Then he snuck into her cell and tore down the pictures she had taped up to the wall. Bella had covered her walls with images of the Cullens. She used her giant poster of the Disco Cullens to hide the massive escape hole she was working on.

Jacob's plan was comprehensive. In addition to keeping her locked up and trying to get closer to her, he was also secretly writing her love letters. Bella had joined the prison pen pal program early on in her stay. She enjoyed the romantic love letters she received from a pen pal that identified himself only as "Wolfman".

Little did she know that Wolfman was actually Jacob.

Jacob waited patiently for weeks. Then finally, Bella had confessed that she was falling for the mysterious Wolfman. Jacob then sprang the truth on her.

"Hey Bells." He said. "I know we're just buds, and you go for those romantic types like

Edward and your pen pal...but it's time you know the truth..." He smiled to himself at the brilliance of his plan, and then confessed that he and Wolfman were one and the same.

Bella was shocked, but she enjoyed the letters so much that she asked Jacob to continue writing them.

As fate would have it, one day her letters got mixed up in the jail post, and the Jacob/Wolfman letters were inadvertently sent to Edward.


	4. Chapter 3

**We don't own Twilight.**

**Chapter 3**

The tension intensified. Edward was seething over the letters. Bella pointed out that she would not be in prison if weren't for him. One day during visitation, things got especially heated.

"But Bella, you just would NOT leave my nipples alone! After that sweater they were already-"

"THE SWEATER! That's what caused this whole thing..." Bella said.

They all turned to glare at Alice...

Alice replies "WELL...I did not foresee this when picking out your embodiment of fricking camel toe wardrobe EDWARD!!!"

But before Edward has a chance to defend his liking for all things tight and tan Jacob jumps in behind the visiting table with a smirk on his face.

"Bella, ya know Alice doesn't buy MY clothes..." Jacob winks knowingly at Bella while rubbing his own nipples...

Bella begins to drool slightly but quickly recovers when she hears Edward and Alice growling.

Will Bella become a slave to the nipple? Will Edward and Alice kill Jacob? Will Jacob phase in front civilians in order to protect himself? Has Edward recovered from his nipple rash? Stay tuned to find out…


	5. Chapter 4

**We don't own Twilight.. **

**Chapter 4 **

Edward reacts quickly. Unfortunately when he tries to reverse the effect of Bella's attraction to the nipple rubbing, Edward begins to rub his own nipples only to see little spots of red on his tan shirt from the awful chafing and begins to weep his un-tears quietly.

Just as things seem to have reached the boiling point, Emmett breaks the tension.

"Damn yo, Edward, none of this would have happened if you'd listened to me. You can't go crying every time your nipples get chafed. Do you have any idea how many times I would have had to have Rose locked up if I did that? You gotta learn to roll with the bondage-"

Rosalie punches Emmett to shut him up, then says, "Seriously Edward, and by the way...please lighten up with the khaki overload..."

Edward fights back tears. First the nipple chafing, then losing Bella, then Bella falling for Jacob, and NOW even his family is clowning him….Edward can only handle so much…

Will Edward Cullen be able to man up and win back the love of his existence? Has Bella developed a nipple fetish? What all kind of kinky sh-t are Rose and Emmett into? Jacob must figure out a way to keep the Cullens out of the prison, but how? Will it be too late?

Find out, next time on Twilight: Special Victims Unit (Nipple Department)


	6. Chapter 5

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 5**

Edward is feeling very sensitive and self conscious - sore nipples, losing the love of his life, and now being picked on by Emmett - it is just too much for him to handle.

Just as Edward is sniffling and fighting off the tears of rejection, Jasper speaks up.

"Wait a second...Alice, you gave Edward that sweater, but you didn't SEE this happening?"

"Of course not!" Alice says.

"There's only one person here that would cause a blank spot in your visions..." Jasper says.

They all turn to look at Jacob who is doing the evil mastermind cackle.

"Muahahahahaha." Jacob rolled his hands together, throwing his head back laughing.

"Where did you find that sweater, Alice?" Edward asks.

"It was mixed in with my other things when I got home from the store... I figured it was a mistake, that clerk mixed it in by mistake... And I thought Edward might like it." Alice answered sheepishly, and then added, "I mean, it does match his khaki!"

"That sweater finding its way into our lives was no mistake, Alice... it was planted there...BY JACOB!" Jasper explains.

Everyone gasps. Jacob continues his evil cackle...

"Muahahahaha... "

Edward is feeling very sensitive and self conscious - sore nipples, losing the love of his life, and now being picked on by Emmett - it is just too much for him to handle.

Just as Edward is sniffling and fighting off the tears of rejection, Jasper speaks up.

"Wait a second...Alice, you gave Edward that sweater, but you didn't SEE this happening?"

"Of course not!" Alice says.

"There's only one person here that would cause a blank spot in your visions..." Jasper says.

They all turn to look at Jacob who is doing the evil mastermind cackle.

"Muahahahahaha." Jacob rolled his hands together, throwing his head back laughing.

"Where did you find that sweater, Alice?" Edward asks.

"It was mixed in with my other things when I got home from the store... I figured it was a mistake, that clerk mixed it in by mistake... And I thought Edward might like it." Alice answered sheepishly, and then added, "I mean, it does match his khaki!"

"That sweater finding its way into our lives was no mistake, Alice... it was planted there...BY JACOB!" Jasper explains.

Everyone gasps. Jacob continues his evil cackle...

"Muahahahaha... "


	7. Chapter 6

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 6**

Meanwhile Bella, already been on trial and convicted of obsessive itchy nipple abuse, is stuck in a lonely prison cell. She pulls something from her tan jumper pocket--a tan patch of Edward's itchy sweater.

"How could I do this to poor Edward? After trying this on my own nipple I am now aware that it was another ploy to try to get me to marry him..."

Then, she hears a nearby inmate "pssst...over here"

Who could it be??

Bella taken unaware, gasps. "Huh? What?"

"Psst... Bella, over here woman, Jesus are you blind?" the familiar voiced whispered again.

Bella peeks through the bars of her cell to see in the cell next to her was...

MIKE NEWTON?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!?!?!... SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

"Mike, what the hell are you doing here?" Bella whispered

"Oh hells Bells it's a long ass story, you don't know do you? You've been inside so long now, after your show aired the sh-t hit the fan…"

Bella sat confused and straining to think.

"Mike WTF are you talking about? And why the hell are you in a woman's prison? What do you mean sh-t hit the fan?..."

Great this is all I need, Mike fanny face Newton in the cell next to me. Bella thought to herself.

Mike let out a long and hefty sigh.

"I suppose I better start at the beginning. After you refused to go out with me and I got together with Jessica, well it just wasn't the same. I longed for you Bella and I didn't know how to get you since you were with Cullen so I did the only thing I could think of to get you to notice me... I.. I.."

"For FCK SAKE Mike spit it out!" Bella chocked out barely a whisper.

"I started to dress like him.. like Cullen, all khaki'd up n sh-t. It was when I bought the fro, Jessica went mental and literally ripped me a new one. She knew what I was doing. She called the police and I ended here."

Bella leaned her head back and let out a sigh.

"I don't get it, why would you end up in woman's prison for dressing like Edward?"

Mike now crying from the trauma of it all continued. "Two days after you were sent to prison the country went wild! The demanded to see the show and once it aired... The controversy of it all kicked off and.. and...They've banned khaki Bella... BANNED IT! Anyone caught wearing it is punished! They thought it would safer for me in a woman's prison after the damage Jessica did to my nether region…"

Bella suppressed a giggle.

"But what does that have to do with me? Mike, what do you want me to do?"

"I heard you speaking to yourself earlier Bella, it wasn't Jacob..." Mike now crying hysterically... "It was ME...ME Bella...I planted the poly mix sweater in Alice's bag. I just thought it would irritate Cullen into breaking up with you. I didn't realize…I LOVE YOU BELLA!" Mike whaled and sank into a pitiful mess on his cell floor clutching his knees still crying hysterically.

Bella sat there dumbfounded...well this is just fcking peachy! She thought to herself.

Bella couldn't believe what a mess this had all turned into. Both Jacob and Mike were inside the prison with her. Edward wouldn't be able to see her again until the next visit day.

She was relieved to discover that it wasn't Jacob who planted the incriminating sweater, and that It was instead Mike. Poor Mike, now peeing into a bag... Oh the mess of it all...

Then Bella realized something - how is Edward still getting around wearing his khaki if it's banned?


	8. Chapter 7

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 7**

Finally, the next day arrived. Bella would get to see her precious Edward. But can he still love her after molesting his itchy nipples? Will he ever be able to forgive her not only for his nipple shame but also putting him on "What Not to Wear" for all their khaki and red rubber boots?

Bella was getting impatient. He was a vampire for fcks sake! Meanwhile she could still hear

Mike weeping in the cell next to her.

"Don't leave Bella. Pwease" Oh my god, did Mike just say pwease??

"Isabella Swan!" Finally! Edward was there!

The guard sat Bella in a cold chair (colder than Edward's icy nipple skin) and across the glass was her beloved Edward.

"Oh my god!" Bella exclaims as she saw Edward in red pants and a black leather button up.

"I know..Alice tried to get me as far away from khaki and chafy shirts as much as possible.

This way my nipples will never come between us again." Edward explained.

All of a sudden Jacob burst into the room where Edward is being held! Hair net and all!

"Damn the liessss!" Jacob shouted.

"Jacob, WTF are you talking about?! Let Edward go!" Bella screamed

"You need to hear the story first, Bella!" said Jacob.


	9. Chapter 8

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 8**

"I saw Mike Newton dressing like Edward for such a long period of time, and I knew that he loved you Bella. My animal side got a hold of me, and I was jealous. Green with envy. GREEN BELLA, GREEN!" Jacob paused, for dramatic effect (obviously)

"How does this end up withtKHAKI BEING BANNED?!" Bella hissed

"Don't shout at me, Bella, or things could get messy" Jacob threatened, slowly moving his hands to Edward's nipples,

"Bet you didn't know that leather chafes, as well, did you Bella?" Bella was silent, "DID YOU?" Jacob boomed.

"LEAVE HER ALONE, DOG! I'll get Stacy and Clinton to ban HULKWEAR, too, mongrel" Edward spoke up for the first time.

Jacob, red with anger, roared and began rubbing Edward's t-shirt.

"NO! Don't do this to him, Jacob!" Bella sobbed.

She couldn't believe that Alice had done it again. She had bought Edward ANOTHER shirt which would severely hurt his nipples. This was wrong. Sick, and wrong.  
Bella couldn't bear to look. Her love (who might stil possibly hate her for giving him a nipple rash) was being taunted by her Wolfman.

Suddenly, Mike bursts into the room, looking upset and worried.

"LET ME EXPLAIN!" He shouts. But, with a room containing a Vampire, a Werewolf and BELLA, he had no chance of being heard.

"I did it, Jacob. You know that, I know that. You don't need to cover for me any more"

The vampire and the human girl gasp simultaneously, "I knew the pain of poly-spandex, and needed Edward to feel it too. I had no idea that Bella would end up in PRISON because of it. When I found out that Khaki had been banned, I immediately started wearing it, so I could be closer to Bella. I didn't care if I was left in prison. It was all for you, Bella I LOVE YOU GODDAMNIT!"

He was then slapped round the face, hard, before being vigorously rubbed on the nipples, causing a painful rash.

Who slapped Mike? Will Edward forgive Bella? How will they get out of prison? Does Bella love Edward, Jacob OR MIKE? Find out, on the next chapter of Twilight: Special Victims Unit (Nipple Department)


	10. Chapter 9

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 9**

"Stacy and Clinton! Why did you slap Jake so hard?! Two times??" Bella screamed at the fashion duo.

"We had to save the shirt, Bella. We're sorry but this fantastic chafy material is very expensive and we could no longer stand to see Edward bleed his vampire blood on it any longer."

"This is true, Bella." Says Stacy. "How could this beast in a hair net destroy such art!? Edward, why would you even take off your protective leather shirt in the first place?" She asked.

"It was part of my plan. I knew Mike would do something like this and it worked out perfectly" he responds.

What plan could he be talking about? Was all of this just a ploy for a bigger mission? What was it?!

"Mike, you are no longer needed" says Edward "Oh, here you dropped this by the way. What is it?" Edward asked as he held out a video tape.

"Well ever since I saw the What Not to Wear episode I've been hooked on the show ever since so I like to set the recorder on the tv in the mess hall. I can't help it.." says Mike.

Stacy and Clinton nod approvingly at each other then ran out the door in their stilletos to help the next pathetic fashion victim! Just like beautiful useless super heroes.

"WAIT! Nothing has been answered!" Bella yells at Edward. "Seriously Edward, wtf are you talking about? Why were you so desperate to get me to go after your goodies??"

Did Edward want to be with someone completely different the whole time? Did he want to roller dance in his disco room alone? Just then Esme!

Esme comes in sporting her own fro and guard's uniform. Now WHAT?!


	11. Chapter 10

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 10**

Bella was surprised to see Esme in the prison at all, and especially in a guard's uniform! Bella did not know just how elaborate the Cullen plan to infiltrate the prison and spring her out had gone.

"Esme?! WTF?" Bella said.

"Esme, not now...I need a few more minutes with Bella." Edward pleaded.

"No Edward! This has gone on long enough. It is time you tell her the truth." Esme said.

"No Esme! I'm not ready just yet!" Edward cried out.

"We can't keep covering for you forever, Edward. If Bella loves you, she will accept the truth." Esme explained.

"Ok seriously, what is going on, Edward?" Bella was getting annoyed. Esme was killing her buzz. Between Edward's nipples getting all chafy again, and Jacob bursting in all wild and wolfy... she was getting all hot and bothered.

Bella wondered if maybe Esme could use those prison guard keys to let her and Edward into a private room together. Hell, if Edward was to whiney and emo to be into it, maybe Jacob would be down.... At this point, Bella didn't really care...as long is it was not Mike Newton...

"Hurry it up, Edward!" Esme shouted. "We don't have all day." Esme's voice sounded surprisingly masculine.

Edward put his hand to glass, and stared into Bella's eyes.

"Bella, love...I have something I need to tell you..."

*duh duh duuuummm* (overly dramatic theme music)

*Ok, I know it's not really fair to leave it hanging again, but I just didn't feel like it was time for the drama to end!


	12. Chapter 11

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 11**

"Bella, you know we promised you we would get you out of here, and you know we will.. it's just there has been an unforeseen interuption in our plans" Edward continued " As you now know Esme has infiltrated the prison as the new guard, she's making copies of all the keys when she can, however this is proving a slow process."

"What does this mean Edward, how long... how long am I going to stuck in this nippleness nightmare?" Bella sighed longingly into chest.

"Bella I dont want to leave you, you know that but the situation has come and we have to leave for a little while, things with the khaki ban are getting a little out of hand and when Esme got the call yesterday it made sense to take up the offer."

Bella gasped "Your leaving.. what call... what offer.. I dont understand.. whats going on?!?!?!"

"Esme received a call from Tanya, they're in Vegas at the moment, there was an accident.. Tanya's friends who are members of the committee were killed.. one of the hotel chandeliers fell on the group and subsequently they burst in to flames.. which means they are down a few numbers for getting the Disco Revival Convention up and running for next week."

Bella dumbstruck slowly became overtaken with anger "YOUR LEAVING ME FOR A DISCO CONVENTION?"

"Its not like that Bella, you know how long Esme has been waiting to get on that committee, this is her opportunity to kick Tanya's ass.. I wouldnt go but they need an extra pair of hands to comb the fro's.. we will come back for you, I promise!" Edward clutched his arms feeling ashamed.

"Ive always thought I would be going with you, I never dreamed I would be in here while you were all roller skating to Saturday Night Fever.. promise you will come back for me Edward, dont leave me here.. I will only have Jacob..I.." Bella began to sob

"I will I promise, and Bella, I will be Discoing in place of someone I love, its seems like the best way to go.."

"Thank you Edward, I love your nipples.. and you.." Bella smirks as Edward is escorted out by Esme.

"It was the right thing to tell her Edward, she cant know the truth.. not yet" Esme whispered to Edward as they walked through the exit of the prison,.

"I know Esme, but the thought of leaving her in there with that cockless wonder Mike and Jacob that dinnerlady dog.. its enough to make want to do the Macarena" Edward hissed

"Blasphemy Edward! SHE MUST NOT KNOW.. DO YOU UNDERSTAND.. SHE CAN NEVER KNOW!!!" and with that Edward strolled to his volvo hissing under his breath, while Esme entered back in to the prison swinging her prison keys.


	13. Chapter 12

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 12**

Edward sat in his volvo trying to calm down he reached in to his coat pocket and pulled out the one thing he knew would settle his nerves. It was the same letter he had read every day since Bella's incarceration.

_Dearest Edward, ___

_Khaki can be worn throughout the year __  
__But it is your nipples I hold so close to me my dear __  
__A lick, flick, bite & a squeeze __  
__I will long for them darling, keep them ripe for me please __  
__An intervention will not make me sway __  
__They will be mine long after incarceration day _

_In your khaki pants, tan shirt & fro _  
_I will love you forever, this you must know _  
_When I get out, we can go somewhere far away _  
_So we can roller skate together for days and days _  
_Please find enclosed a gift for you _  
_Feel free to wear it to hold me true _  
_I made it in workshop it's a glitter thong _  
_Someday soon we will Disco till Dawn _

_Wait for me dearest it will not be long__  
__I will serve my time dreaming of dancing under our disco ball_

_Forever yours,_

_Bella ___

Edward sobbed his untears as he put the letter back in the envelope, and set off back his home.

.


	14. Chapter 13

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 13**

Bella was devastated.

Edward had left her. Again.

But this time it wasn't for her own protection, it for a Disco Convention.

She understood his loyalty to Esme, and she fully supported the chance for Esme (or anyone for that matter) to kick Tanya's ass at the Disco Competition (or at anything else for that matter).

But Bella still found herself feeling hurt, even rejected.

Sure Edward tolerated her rough nipple play, but he was never really into it.

Left alone in the prison, free for her thoughts to wander...Bella found her mind returning to thoughts of her beloved Wolfman.

He was no Edward. He couldn't pull off the Khaki and sleeveless shirts like a Cullen, but yet...there was something about his rough ways and brute exterior that intrigued Bella. Jacob had a temper, Bella had seen him turn GREEN with rage with her own eyes.

But maybe...

She couldn't help but begin to imagine Jacob, still in his cut-off, frayed sweats...only now she envisioned him wearing a tan sweater. It would have to be tight. Very tight.

And in that moment, Bella could see it all. Her future with Jacob flashed before her eyes. They would have beautiful dark haired children, dressed head to toe in glorious khaki wonder. She imagined Charlie and Renee and Billy there as well, they could be a family united by khaki.

Jacob would never be overly cautious and push her away like Edward had. Jacob was not careful with her, he would embrace her nipple love. They would never be the same as Edward's nipples, but maybe she could learn to love them just as much.

In a world without chafing and a khaki-ban, Jacob would have been the one - her perfect counterpart.

Bella's thoughts were interupted by the clanging of the door to her cell.

There stood Jacob. He was not in khaki, but he was wearing a sweater. It was a shade of ivory so deep that it must have been as close to khaki as he could legally get by with.

"Hey Bells. We need to talk." Jacob said with a grin..


	15. Chapter 14

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 14**

"Hey Jake, no problem" replied Bella "I like your ivory shirt"

"This is ivory?" Jacob asked, astonished. There was a glint of pain in his eyes. Bella felt she had missed something.

"I, uh... I should buy myself a colour wheel next time I try to impress you" Jacob played with the sleeves of the sweater nervously and looked to the ground.

"Aw, Jake, you know you don't' have to do that!"

"Doesn't matter" Jake responded, "It's cold today, so it came in handy"

They looked at one another and sighed simultaneously.

"I'll get to the point," said Jacob "I noticed your bloodsucker has left you again..."

"You don't understand," Bella interrupted "he had to leave, there was an emergency. A _disco_ emergency."

"Another one?" Jacob replied sarcastically. Bella ignored him.

"Anyway," continued Jacob "I was thinking, and before it's too late, I just need to tell you that I think we belong together. You and I both know that Khaki has done you no good. Look at you! All alone in this cell, I would never put you in this position. You and I both know that we're alike, more alike than you and ...Edward will ever be. We share a love of old holey sweat pants. It unites us. We're the same species. He will never understand how sexy sweatpants can be, he doesn't know you like I do"

Bella's face twisted, she felt anguish as she recognised the truth in this statement. She had never felt equal with Edward and his khaki, sleeveless shirt ways. Jacob did understand her better. She'd never have to feel out of place with him. Her dreams of an alternate future flashed by her once more, her and Jacob, but this time their black-haired children wore holey sweatpants, just as they did. She envisioned this family laughing, playing 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' in all their glory. Sweatpants never chaffed. Jacob was right. She would never be in jail because of sweatpants...

But just as the fantasy caught wind, she snapped out of it and focused her thoughts on Edward. She was wondering what he was doing now, whether he'd be nervous about the impending disco competition, hoping to God that he'd come back to her with a trophy. A part of her was jealous of Tanya being there, but she tried not to focus on this too hard. Wasn't it the same as Jake being here? A part of her knew Edward was hiding something from her, but she hadn't asked questions. She decided to gauge a reaction from Esme next time she saw her…

"What the hell is wrong with you, Bells?" Jacob interrupted her thoughts "You've been catatonic for the past 10 minutes"

Just then, a ringing sound emanated from Jacob's pocket. Bella looked at him, confused. "I swapped it for a pack of cigarettes" he explained, removing the cell phone "Yeah..." he answered.

As he spoke, the response on Jacob's face sent a shock through Bella's system.


	16. Chapter 15

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 15**

"Jacob?" Bella asked anxiously. "What is it? Jake?" Jacob's face went from shock to disgust as he snapped the phone shut and looked at Bella.

"A Disco emergency, eh? That's what he told you?" Jacob finally spat out.

"Yes. It's complicated Jake. You don't know the history with this. You have no idea how important Disco is to the Cullens, especially to Esme. Disco is irrational. Once you've Disco'd with a person, it is impossible to be logical about them anymore…"

"Well I've had the pack do a little investigating…" Jacob revealed.

"You've what?! Oh no, Jake…Please tell me you've not dragged the wolf pack into this Disco craze…I can't bear the thought of Seth with a fro or Leah in sequins and leather, please for the love of--"

"What? You think only bloodsuckers can get down at a Disco Convention? Look, that's beside the point – Leah went to Vegas, undercover to check out the Convention. And guess what?" Jake prompted.

"Oh no! Did Tanya win? Damn that bitch…"

"Bella! Focus! THERE WAS NO DISCO CONVENTION!!! Leah checked all over Las Vegas, and there WAS NO DISCO FEST!! Don't you see? He lied to you!"

Tears flooded Bella's eyes. How many ways could her khaki-loving heart be mangled and still be expected to continue beating?

Jacob embraced Bella, offering his comfort. Bella could have sworn she heard him chuckle in delight…but she was too distraught to question it.

Edward had been gone a full week, and if not at a Disco Convention, then where? Bella's wolfy-embrace was interrupted when the guard came to take her to lunch.

Bella dreaded the time she had to spend mixing in with the general population at the prison. There was an especially mean group of inmates that seemed to have it in for Bella. They were led by a redheaded feisty woman named Victoria. Bella never could figure out how, but Victoria seemed to have found a way to wear fur while in the prison. That seemed unfair – if Victoria could get by wearing fur, why couldn't Bella wear khaki?

Victoria and her gang of followers taunted Bella. It seemed it didn't take long for news of Bella's nipple fetish to spread like wildfire through the prison. They were always calling out things to her about how good she smelled and how creamy her skin looked.

Although she tried to avoid them, they'd already managed to kick Bella's ass twice that week while in the yard.

She rushed through lunch, anxious to get back to her cell where hopefully Jacob could sneak back to visit. Bella was devastated by Edward's lie. If there was no Disco Convention, then why had he left her? Why the lie?

The guard had led Bella back almost to her cell when she heard a familiar voice.

"I'll take over from here." The voice said. Bella looked up. It was Esme. Even though she was hurt and furious with Edward, she was delighted to see Esme back in her guard's uniform. Esme pulled off 'butch' surprisingly well.

She led Bella to the visiting room. Bella was all set to give Edward a stern talking to about the lies, and to tell him about her visions of Jacob and his non-chaffing sweats…but then…she saw him.

Edward stood there, in his white sleeveless button down and tan shorts. And Bella couldn't help but run to him calling out his name.

She had never seen anything more beautiful – even as she ran, gasping and screaming, she could appreciate that.

And the last seven days meant nothing. And his words in the visiting room meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want her. She would never want anything but him, no matter how long she lived.

Bella slammed into Edward's unmoving body. Tears streamed down her face and she tried to tell Edward that she knew about the lie, but loved him anyway, but her sobs made her words unintelligible.

"Carlisle was right." Edward stated.

"Huh?" Bella asked.

"He was right, he said being in the place would drive you completely insane, and he was right, look at you…you're a mess…"

Bella was embarrassed and started to pull away. "Um, Edward, we need to talk…"

"There's no time now, I just had to see you. And I brought you a surprise." Edward said as he handed her a wrapped package. Esme then took Bella back to her cell where she opened the box.

Inside was Edward's very best pair of khaki pants, and a small note, written in Edward's perfect writing: "_Look after my khaki- I've left it with you_"


	17. Chapter 16

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 16**

It was another restless night for me. That night, like many, I laid on my cot my thoughts overwhelming the space in my head. All those questions still left unanswered in my head... Where was Edward? What happened to my being broken out? Is nipple loving really wrong? I was shocked at the new found knowledge that because of the legality issues surrounding khaki the prison would now be recovering the cushions on all the cots with Army Green fabric. How could the khaki that brought me so much joy be hated that much? My one night time khaki comfort now gone.

I am not sure when the transition happened from thinking to dreaming. Suddenly all the images started swirling in my mind. Edward's nipples... I groaned.... Jacob's nipples... I moaned.... Mike's nipples... I screamed.... I could hear the faint sound of a bad electric guitar riff in the back of my head mimicking a mix Edward had made for me to solidify our mutual love of khaki slowly changing to a disco mix. I cried...

All of the sudden the dream shifted and I was sitting at a table. Jacob was there and a little boy was with us, that happened to look just like Jacob. There was a little girl laying on the a couch sleeping. I knew these kids. Could it be? These were mine and Jacob's children. My heart pounded. My Bobla (aka Bob) Chilly and Jella Renearah. Jacob, Bob, and I where playing hungry, hungry, hippos. It is funny how a thought during your day can be part of a dream. Jacob had the most intense look on his face, and all Bob could say was "bitchen." It puzzled me until I looked down at the game and saw Edward and the rest of the Cullen family running around and doing the Hustle in the place of the marbles that were normally there. Jacob just kept slamming down on the lever and shouting "She loves my nipples more."

I woke up screaming with beads of sweat rolling down my face. New questions filled my mind. What where the Cullens up to? Do they have a group for nipple lovers... Nipple Lovers Anonymous? Would the Army Green colored fabric be as comfortable as the khaki fabric? Now that Edward was all disco, would he trade his volvo in for a bitchen camaro?


	18. Chapter 17

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 17**

**by Domestica**

Suddenly Bella woke with a start!  
"Pssst..Bella, wake up" someone whispered to her in the darkness. It was coming from a cell in front of her and to the left. The shadows kept her face hidden well. Bella was becoming increasingly nervous.

"Who's there?" Bella asked on edge.

Suddenly this girl stepped into the moonlight coming in from a tiny window. Her fro slightly stuck out through the bars of her cell.

"Alice? What are you doing in here? I thought you left with Edward for his disco convention.." said Bella.

"Bella, you ass. Edward had to lie to you all along. I had to cut off Sam Uley's nipples to get into prison just to talk to you."

"Why couldn't you just have visited me??" replied Bella

"I can't talk to you about this in front of the guards, Bella! Think!" hissed Alice. "Edward..." Alice continued, "went to see the Volturi, Bella. He's so upset about not being able to wear his best khaki. He left it with you knowing that it would be safe. All he wanted was for you and his khaki to be happy. Don't you see?"

"We have to do something!" screached Bella.

"I hear that." said Alice "...but what?? Bella, listen to me. You have to get Jacob to get us out of here. Tomorrow morning when he serves you his prized oatmeal and mashed bananas you have to seduce him. Think 'nipples' to get you charged and talk him into getting us the f out of here! Do you understand what I'm saying, Bella?"

"Yes.." Bella replied quietly.

"Listen, tt's really late and you have a big day tomorrow, Bella. Do anything. We have to save Edward. We have to talk him into knowing that there is much more to life than his fucking khaki! Goodnight, Bella.."

After Alice finished talking to Bella her fro gently slid back into darkness once more and all was quiet.  
Bella laid back down. She grabbed her prison-made wine from underneath her cot and took a long hard swig for comfort. Bella knew what she had to do. It was all a matter of...being sexy. Bella's hardest task to date. Could she pull it off? Or is she so pathetic to trip over her own sexy lingerie made out of torn out book pages from the prison library. (She had saved it for Edward. He really loves his books..) Bella could no longer think about this anymore. She would have to wait for tomorrow and anxiously drifted off to sleep.


	19. Chapter 18

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 18**

**by Scarlett**

Bella stirred feeling like she had been asleep for days with a seriously bad headache, eyes still closed and feeling groggy she raised her head to get out of bed but was met with something very cold and very hard _OWWWWW!!!! WTF was that?? _As she pulled her hand to rub her head her elbow was also met with something cold and hard. _Seriously OWW! _Bella opened her eyes, squinting still feeling groggy realising she was in complete darkness.. She began to feel her away around trying to figure out where she was.. Her hands travelled up above her head and down the length of her body, cold and hard enveloped her... _Edward?_ But as her hands felt their way around for a second time she realised it wasn't Edward this wasn't the smooth marble exterior she was used to embracing... this was extremely cold and extremely hard. Panic began to set in and Bella began to push at the exterior above her , nothing happened, she turned to her on to her stomach and pushed with all her muster at the exterior behind her head, nothing. She turned back on her to her back and shuffled down; bringing her legs back she gave an almighty kick to the exterior at her feet, and with that it went flying and bright light swamped in to where Bella was lying.

Bella's eyes squinted for a brief second but quickly adjusted to the light, she shuffled out of the space she was lying in and dropped to the floor. As she began to stand up taking in her surroundings she realised where she was... _FUCKING BITCHES, I can't believe they did this to me... locking me in the fucking Morgue! They have gone too far this time; if I have to tell those dyke bitches I don't do sushi one more time... I swear!!! _Bella's thoughts began to dwindle as she caught a glimpse of herself in the stainless steel table, her hand reached for the back of her head, her hair was mangled and knotted with dried blood. _WTF is going on? What the hell happened? I have to get back to my cell before anyone notices I'm missing I really don't want 3 weeks of solitary for this shit! _Bella made her way to the morgue exit only to find it was locked. _Juuuuuuuuust peachy!_

Minutes passed but it felt like hours, as Bella raked through drawers and cabinets in the hope of finding the keys, nothing. _Footsteps SHIT, I better hide._ Bella ran behind the stainless steel table praying the footsteps were coming to unlock the door. The door knob turned, Bella held her breath, a security guard lunged into the room and the door swiftly closed and locked behind him. The guard scanned the room looking unsettled and nervous, Bella peaked up from behind table unintentionally meeting the guard's eyes... he gasped... Bella breathed... he bore a horrified look of shock... Bella smirked and cocked her to the side... he pleaded... Bella Lunged!


	20. Chapter 18 part 2

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 18 – Part 2 **

**by Scarlett**

Bella flew across the room taking the guard down, her instinct told her to go straight for the jugular but saw something much more delicious. She held the guard down as she ripped off his shirt and headed straight for his nipples, a soft bite breaking the skin around the first nipple sucking until he was almost bled dry then swiftly moving on the to the next one.

It took only a minute before Bella was standing wiping her face clean and staring down at the bloody dead body she had just killed. _AWWW CRAP! Edward's gonna be soooo pissed at me when he finds out! _Feeling somehow renewed and stronger, Bella picked up the dead body and threw into the body drawer she had been in. It took her minute to gather herself, gather what was going on, gather the fact that she was now a vampire! Unanswered questions blazoned through her mind. _How did this happen? Who turned me? Why am I in the prison Morgue? Who fed me the guard? WHO ELSE IS HERE???????_

Panic set in once again, this was not good! With her new strength Bella made her way to the door, grabbed the door knob and pulled, bringing the entire door off its hinges. She made her way through the eerily quiet hallways of the lower prison, pulling the looked cage doors out of her way to get back up to her block.

Surprise took hold as she entered the main mess area of her prison block, her inmates were lined up against the back wall singing the Bee Gee's classic 'Staying Alive.'

"Well, well, well Isabella Swan, aren't you a delight" A familiar voice cooed from behind the inmates.

Bella's eyes scanned the entire room looking to identify the man calling her name, the voice humming a disco tune. _'Was that Burn baby Burn Disco Inferno?' _Hemade his presence known as he glided through the inmates... "Caius?"

"Ah Bella you remember me, HA of course you do... I have a little gift for you Bella" Caius cooed pointing out the inmates. Bella's eye's flashed in delight and without a second thought lunged for each and every one of her inmates... sucking them all dry one by one by the nipple.

"That is a very strange, yet kinky feeding habit you have there Bella, Aro will be delighted with you!" Caius smirked pleased that Bella had not refrained from her natural instincts for human blood.

There was a gasp in the distance "Ahhh Carlisle, you're late for your shift, you were supposed to start 7 and half minutes ago, you have missed all the fun... Bella here is quite a kinky little carnivore" Tearing herself away from Mike Newton's nipple, Bella's head whipped straight up at the sound of Carlisle's name.

"CAIUS!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!!" Carlisle bellowed standing in shock as he took in the mass amount of carnage new born Bella had left in her wake.

"Its ok Carlisle honest, look.. Caius tweaked my nipples before changing me, so now they will be permanently erect! How awesome is that? Edwards gonna love it!!!" Bella squealed with delight.

Caius snorted "She may be Edwards La Tua Cantante Carlisle, but she WILL be dancing to the Volturi's song from now on!" And with that Caius whipped Bella up along with the remains of Mike Newton and headed past Carlisle towards the prison exit. "Oh and Carlisle, be a doll and clean up this mess. We'll see you in Vegas!"

**NOTE: So there you have it, I changed Bella, killed off Mike Newton and Bella is now with the Volturi Guard bahahhaha!!! ****You can see now why I wanted to put this in here, Domestica set it up perfectly with sending Edward to Italy.. will he see vamp Bella??? What happened in the 3 days since chapter 17? Where's Hulkob?****PS I didn't really want to kill off Mike but I just couldn't resist, maybe Mikes corpse could be like a security blanket for Bella, one that she likes to take everywhere with her... Bahhahaha just made me think of WEEKEND AT BERNIES!!!!! - that is my ultimate guilty pleasure movie!!!! **


	21. Chapter 19

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 19**

**by TheNinjaCrayons**

Jacob looked around, confused. Bella was missing from her cell. "For Gosh's sake!" he exclaimed, "I incriminated myself to get closer to Bella, and now she's gone!" With that he immediately escaped to freedom, following the jail's architectural blueprints, which he had tattooed to his body in an intricate pattern before entering the jail.

Meanwhile, Bella, Caius, Carlisle and the corpse of Mike Newton continued on their way to Vegas. They had arrived back in Seattle in the early hours of the morning and had picked up Carlisle's car.  
"I'm quite a fan of those nipples, Bella," said Caius, turning around from the front passenger seat, to face her in the back "Aro was always intrigued as to your 'potential' once you were changed"  
"While that's flattering and I'm eternally grateful you tweaked them before the change, I find you utterly repulsive and I wish you'd stop talking to me" she replied.  
"That's enough, Bella" interrupted Carlisle "remember who you are".

Bella looked down in shame. She was disturbed by Caius and shuffled across the back seat of the car, snuggling up to Mike.  
"I'm so sorry I murdered you," she whispered in his ear. Mike did not respond. His eyes were starting to look very unsettling. She rummaged around the messy floor of Carlisle's Mercedes and discovered a baseball cap and pair of sunglasses. "Perfect!" gasped Bella "You'll look alive again!" and with that she adorned Mike in the accessories. "You look just like Bernie in _Weekend at Bernie's_" she whispered to herself, approvingly. And he did.

The trip was faster than Bella expected. Before long they had arrived in Vegas. Carlisle and Bella were still clueless as to what Caius wanted, or why he had turned Bella into a Vampire. Although the 'Disco Emergency' had been a fabrication on Edward's part, he was still apparently in Vegas.

Bella was starting to become irritated about all the mystery.

_Why was Edward in Vegas? Why was she a Vampire? What had happened in the past 3 days? How had she gotten to Italy?_

"Pull in here" Caius commanded Carlisle. It was an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town.  
Carlisle sniffed the air, "Edward" he murmured to himself knowingly.  
"Your boy's inside" responded Caius

The three vampires entered the warehouse, Bella holding Mike Newton's corpse snugly to her side. Carlisle and Bella gasped in horror. Edward was in the far corner of the empty warehouse, curled into a foetal position and shaking. "Edward?" exclaimed Bella "what's going on?"  
"I can't do it!" He screamed, "I can't stop wearing Khaki! Leave me alone!" It then occurred to Bella that Edward was wearing a Safari Suit, hat included. She dropped the corpse of Mike Newton to the ground and crept towards Edward slowly, when she reached him she patted his side gently "It's ok Edward" she reassured him "We'll get you some help."  
"The Volturi wouldn't kill me!" he cried in response, "And if I can't die, and there's no khaki, and you're in jail with Jacob, I have nothing to live for"  
"We're here now" Bella told him, and they embraced  
"Gee, I'm sure glad I didn't kill myself," said Edward, relieved.  
"We are too, son" chuckled Carlisle  
"So Caius?" asked Bella "what the heck is going on? Why have you brought us here? And what happened in Italy?"  
Caius sighed and rolled his eyes. He opened his mouth and began to explain, "I need to talk-"  
"Holy moly!" Edward interrupted him and looked at Bella again "when did you become a vampire?! Nice nipples, by the way."  
Mike remained silent.

**  
A/N: It's not that great, but I was trying hard to tie all the plot points together from the last couple of chapters. There were so many open ends!**

I'd also like to add that the 'cussing' is on purpose because it makes me giggle.

**So now the questions that arise are: What is Caius' deal? Where's Jacob? How will Edward react to having a vampire girlfriend?**


	22. Chapter 20

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 20**

**by Domestica12**

However, before we continue our journey in Vegas we have to know what happened to the seduction of Jacob!

Bella awoke the next morning after only a couple hours of actual sleep. She spent the whole night worrying about this morning. How could she possibly seduce Jacob when she still loved Edward? Everything rushed through her head once more.

Suddenly Bella heard the trolly cart coming down the row of cells finally approaching her own.

"Sup, Mike. What can I get you?" Asked Jacob as his cart came equipped with a stove for eggs and pancakes, a microwave for oatmeal and a basket of fresh fruit.

"God damnit, Jacob! Don't you realize how miserable I am!?" Mike yelled. "I don't even have my own penis anymore!!" he screamed pointing at his empty crotch angrily.

"Fine, dude. Calm down.." Jacob said trying to hide his chuckle.  
Bella jumped up quickly and pulled on her sexy book lingerie. I hope this works, Bella thought. She choud see Alice's fro sticking out from her own cell. She knew she was listening.

"Hey, Bells.." Jacob said suddently while looking down mashing his banana surprise for Bella. Finally looking up he dropped the bananas on the floor with a big *splat!*.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Jacob asked

"What's wrong, Ja-I mean..Sexy Boy? Don't you like my outfit?" Bella said as she seductively ran her hands in her hair. She didn't know how sexy Jacob would find it since she was still wearing her orange pants under. She didn't have time to take them off and replace them with her book spine g-string. But that was ok, it only made her think of Edward even more.

Jacob had stayed quiet and the only thing that made noise now was the beeping of Mike's heart rate monitor which was now going crazy. Was he listening to??

"Bella, I've been meaning to tell you something..I've found someone." said Jacob quietly.

"Um, no you haven't Jake. You've been wanting me for years now. You know I'm better than her." Bella said still trying to be sexy but not achieving it since she was bending over in an extremely random position that resembled a stork in water. But in Bella's head she thought "sexy pinup..sexy pinup".

Jacob looked at her with a what-the-fuck face and finally said "I'm sorry, Bells. You just don't do it for me anymore. After I realized that not even rubbing my own nipples could get you to come with me I had to move on. I don't rub my nipples for just anyone, Bella. Don't you get that??" said Jacob angrily. "I know about Edward, Bella. I know what you're trying to do and I ain't buying it. You could have just asked me but you had to play games instead. It's over, Bella."

Bella sat stunned that she had finally lost her plan B: Jacob.

"Who is she..." asked Bella. "Who can make you happier than me constantly going back and forth between you and Edward!?"

"Her name is the Hut. She's everything you're not, Bella. Can't you just be happy that I'm finally in love with a girl that isn't constantly tripping over shit. No Bella, she glides over it so easily. Like a snail. It's beautiful. Now I can finally forget you...Goodbye, Bells." Jacob said as he kicked the mashed bananas onto Bella's cell wall and then he left.

CRAP thought Bella. "I will meet this..Hut someday. She will pay if anything ever happens to my Edward. She just better watch out if I ever do become a vampire with my beloved


	23. Chapter 21

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 21**

**By Sheeeri**

Cauis lead them out of the warehouse and into a limousine showered with khaki coloured couches and tan leather seats. Edward' arm was wrapped securely around Bella's waist while silent Mike was sitting fragile in between Carlisle and Cauis.

"Cauis, I DEMAND you explain how I … why I'm … a… a VAMPIRE!!" Bella was frustrated and confused on how she became immortal.

"Oh little one! You must be patient. All shall be explained in due course," Cauis answered coolly.

"Edward, MAKE HIM EXPLAIN!" Bella shouted but noticed Edward's eyes were on something else- her nipples.

She reminisced when she would constantly rub Edwards nipples for her own satisfaction. Back to the times where there were three things she was absolutely positive about. Firstly, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him- and she didn't know how potent that part might be- that thirsted for khaki. And third, she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with rubbing his nipples.

"Mmmm." Edward said, bringing Bella back to reality. He watched his dazzled eyes in delight as they were analyzing her nipples.

Before Bella could speak, the door of the limousine was open and Cauis stepped out.

"How about a deal newborn? If you want to know what happened, you must do something for me in exchange for your details." Bella stepped out followed by Edward, Carlisle and Mike.

Bella nodded knowing that this was the only way for her to find out what had happened.

"Follow me," Cauis ordered. "The rest of you stay behind." Edward fumed instinctively and grabbed Bella's arm and held her back.

Carlisle laid his hand on Edward's shoulder whilst shaking his head "Son, let her go."

Bella followed Cauis wearily behind him as they made their way to the elevator. Once in the elevator Cauis pushed the button to Level 7. _What's on Level 7? _Bella thought, feeling more anxious as the elevator rose. The elevator door opened and they walked down the hallway. They came to an abrupt stop and Cauis ordered Bella to stand to the side, out of sight while he approached the room of number 56.

Cauis knocked on the door and it opened. A voice Bella had not recognized answered,

"Why hello there. You must be Caius?"

Caius answered the voice, "Yes I am who you speak of and along with my visit I have brought your gift from our little gamble"

The unknown voice squealed in delight and caused tremors down the hallway. _The gift? Who and what is a gift? WHAT GAMBLE?_

Bella thought to herself but soon realized who they were talking about. SHE was the gift but how and why?

"Now show me this gift! I have a high standard Cauis. I hope not to be disappointed!" the unknown replied.

"Oh Bella! You may join us now!" Cauis called.

Bella stepped out slowly and cautiously, making eye contact with only Caius.

"Ah! I see what you mean by these 'lovelies'." _LOVELIES? WTF ARE LOVELIES? _Bella thought.

Bella slowly raised her eyes to the unknown voice standing in front of her and was shocked by what she saw. He/she/it was indescribable and Bella tried to hold down a gagging motion that was surfacing deep within but shenoticed it too was distracted, distracted by HER NIPPLES!

"So I shall leave you with her." Caius replied and vanished within a second.

The unknown moved aside from the threshold and extended a hand to welcome Bella into her room, still distracted by the 'lovelies'.

"Rub a dub dub. Lickety lick lick," the unknown murmured under its breathe.

Bella glanced towards the top of the doorframe and gasped at what she saw.

The sign read, "Welcome to The Hutt!"

_How did Cauis and The Hutt know each other? What gamble did they have between eachother? Why the fudge is Bella a vampire? Does Jacob know about this? WHY ISN'T MIKE TALKING?!?!?! All shall be revealed as Cauis says "in due course"._


	24. Chapter 22

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 22**

**by Nalwaves**

Before Bella could react to the revelation of who and what this _thing _was, she noticed her surroundings were strangely stylish. Khaki, tan, and ivory striped curtains were covering the windows and she suddenly couldn't remember anything but Edward in his safari outfit…

"Bella, you need to concentrate." Bella's head snapped around and saw Jasper in a purple, crushed-velvet suit accented with a giant gold 'J' medallion, and knew something big was happening.

"Jasper? What are you doing here? Where's Alice?" Bella blinked, her breath came faster and as she anticipated finally getting some answers!

The Hutt cleared its throat and Bella reluctantly turned back toward Hutt and began emitting a low growl from deep within her. She was furious. This was The Hutt that Jacob had fallen for. Really? This blobby creature with at least three dozen cats milling around – hold on, the cats were all dressed in khaki! Was everyone trying to drive her insane? It was hard enough being a newborn without all of the reminders of Edward, khaki, and his nipples; she couldn't focus. Where was her Mike safety blanket? Bella realized just then that Jasper was there to keep her calm during this exchange, so she allowed The Hutt to speak – for now.

"It was no accident that you were sent to that prison, Bella, or that Aro turned you –"

"Aro did this to me? Why?" Bella snarled, and four of the cats hissed.

"Easy Cedric, Spunk, Ransom, Rob, be polite," The Hutt gurgled to her cats before continuing, "the Volturi wanted you, Bella – well you and your lovelies – and I was just the god-like master of everything that could pull it off. Once I had Jacob it was so easy."

"Enough, we have to get going," Jasper spoke, his voice strained, and I couldn't imagine where we were going now. So much had happened and most of it still needed to be explained. "Look away," he warned Bella, but it was too late.

The Hutt groaned and wriggled around for a good five minutes before finally squirming out of the chair that was basically form-fitted around the bulky creature. Bella was mesmerized by the waves of blubber rolling around, and knew exactly why Jacob was in love with this creature. It was the same reason why people can't look away when they pass a car accident on the street – it was sheer morbidity. Bella vowed again to destroy this thing but needed Edward to help her strategize the best way to not be distracted by the uncontrollable disgust that she had just herself experienced.

Jasper, Bella, and Hutt made their way (slowly because of Hutt's girth) down a long dark corridor and could hear in the distance the lovely beats of the best kind of music in the world – Disco.

When they reached the end of the corridor Hutt opened the door with a password – Open Sesame – and a flood of color and Disco music washed over Bella. Everyone was standing on a large dance floor, Edward, Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Jacob, Caius, Aro, members of the Volturi guard and even Tanya (Mike was face-down on the floor)! Everyone was dressed in their best 70s attire and she couldn't recall a time when everyone had better afros.

"Bella," Edward sighed, obviously relieved to see her but something was still bothering him.

"Edward, read everyone's freaking mind and tell me what's going on!"

"I can't do that, love, Hutt blocks my ability," Edward admitted, his shoulders slumping in shame and frustration. Bella immediately went and crushed her arms around his body. She had been separated from him and his nipples for mere minutes, but it felt like longer. In that short time span he had changed from his safari outfit into the most glorious paisley and khaki polyester suit that she had ever seen. Something big was definitely happening.

"And mine," Alice added, obvious worry in her voice. Bella was uncomfortable with the grim expressions the Cullens were trying to hide.

"What's going on?" She asked quietly, and noticed that two distinct lines had formed. The Cullens and Tanya were on one side, the Volturi, Jacob, and Hutt on the other. Mike remained as though he were Switzerland, not choosing a side.

"It is time." Aro and Caius said in unison. "Time to Disco for Bella, _The Gift_."

_**Why are the Cullens afraid and how is Hutt blocking Edward? Why is Bella The Gift? Why didn't Jasper have his gold medallion in the movie??**_

A/N - okay, this is my first shot, sorry if it's too long, I hope you all enjoy it!

Edit: Here are some of the clothing, if someone can photoshop these I would love you forever (ROTFL), but if not just enjoy... later Fro-hos!

Jasper's suit: .  
Jasper's gold J: .  
Edward's suit, just imagine a paisley shirt: .


	25. Chapter 23

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 23**

**by TheNinjaCrayons**

Bella paused as the first few bars of Cameo's _Word Up_ filled the room.

_"Da pretty ladies around the world. Got a weird thing to show you…"_

In unison, the Cullens and Tanya outstretched their right arms and pointed to the sky. What unfolded was the single most breathtaking disco-dancing performance Bella had ever seen. Not that Bella had seen many.

She gasped in awe and clutched Mike's arm. "Aren't they incredible?" she asked him "…aw, Mike, why don't' you talk to me anymore? Are you still upset I murdered you?" before Mike could respond, Bella was distracted as the chorus kicked in.

"_Word up. Word up…" _the song continued as the Cullens formed a human pyramid in perfect synchronization. Edward's body gracefully moved around the dance floor. Bella found herself aroused as his silk, paisley shirt floated in the wind. It was the single-most elegant thing she'd ever seen. After 3 minutes and 25 seconds the song ended and the Cullens re-formed their line.

The Volturi murmured amongst themselves. They seemed unsettled.

"Aro, there's no turning back now," said a female voice. Bella realized it was Jane.

"This is a little embarrassing" Aro said to Carlisle "but we've chosen the same song for our performance."

"That's perfectly fine, Aro" replied Carlisle "may the best team win"

Bella suddenly realized that this was a disco competition. _But what was at stake?_

The Volturi organized themselves into formation. Their 3 minutes and 25 seconds of dancing was almost as graceful as the Cullens. However, they had The Hutt and Jacob on their team. The two outsiders affected the routine significantly, and rendered them second best. It was clear who won.

"The verdict?" asked Carlisle as he turned to face a darkened corner behind him. Bella looked in this direction. On a chair sat Rick James. Bella was astounded, _hadn't he died on August 6th, 2004_? It then occurred to her that his eyes were red. Red **vampire** eyes. "Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed upon her realization.

Rick James moved forward and smiled at Carlisle

"The Cullens win!" he announced, and they all cheered.

"Be damned Hutt!" screamed Aro in response "Your bad co-ordination destroyed our chances!" and with that he lunged forward and ripped the Hutt apart with his teeth. Felix emerged forward and set fire to the remains.

"NOOOOO!!" cried Jacob as he wept into the smouldering pile of ash.

Bella was secretly happy Jacob's new love interest was dead. She moved over and consoled him.

"She was so…beautiful," Jacob sobbed.  
_  
__Honestly?_ Thought Bella as she patted his back.

"Fine". Aro said as he admitted defeat "Bella is yours"

This startled Bella.

"Edward? I thought you didn't know what was going on?" asked Bella, frantic.

"I lied, I'm sorry. But it's all ok now"

"You see Bella" interrupted Carlisle "You are the chosen one. You have what we call the gift._**The Gift of disco.**_It was prophesised that you would come."

"Aro stole you away and turned you so that you'd join his disco ensemble" continued Edward "the only way to get you back was to fight the Volturi through disco. Luckily, two of their dancers were out with injuries and The Hutt and Jacob had to step in. It ruined their chances"

"Why would Jacob want the Volturi to win?" Bella was appalled.

"I'm sorry Bells" Jacob stood and faced her "I tried to move on, but I'll always love you. I was trying to get you away from your bloodsucker"

"But I'm a bloodsucker now, Jake"

"Oh right, yeah" he said.

"Now Bella, we need to get back to the hotel and start making preparations for you to fulfil your destiny" interrupted Carlisle.

"Can I come too?" asked Rick James

"Sure Rick" said Carlisle "but you'll have to stop eating humans."

"Oh, ok"

And with that the Cullens, Tanya, Mike Newton's corpse and Rick James departed and headed for the hotel.


	26. Chapter 24

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 24**

**by Scarlett**

The Cullens along with Mike and Rick James made they're way back to the hotel. Tanya had made her excuses and returned to Alaska promising to meet back up with everyone once they returned to Forks. It was a dark bleak night with only a few drunken straglers wondering about the streets. They gathered in the secluded alley next to the hotel as Carlilse addressed his family.

"We should hunt, it's been a long week and we will need our strength and clear heads for whats coming. Bella perhaps you and Rick would like to go with Edward, Emmett & Jasper, they will help you with your new feeding hab.." Carilisle was interrupted by a speeding Bella who whizzed out of the alley way, returning seconds later with a random strangler.

She threw him to the ground, ripped off his shirt and went straight for the nipples.. The majority of the Cullens stood in shock. Emmett roared with laughter and looked at Jasper who was staring at Bella with eyebrows raised..

"Someone wasnt breastfed as a child!" Emmett boomed continuing his onslaught of laughter as he elbowed Jasper. Carilisle and Edward pulled Bella off the now bled dry carcus that lay on the ground.

"Bella, I love you but if you want to me a member of this family.. you know we are vegatarians.. its hard I know, but you have to at least try." Edward spoke softly the tortured soul expression once again returning to face.

"Oh PA-LEASE Edward, serioulsy give up the tortured soul routine its getting old! Grow A Pair for christ sake! And to be honest I seriously think they only reason YOU are a vegatarian is because you want your eye colour to match your outfit!" Bella spat as she struggled out their grip to reach for Mike who was slumped against the wall giving what looked like a thumps up.

"I think it may be best if we head back to Forks and discuss the new challange there, so Bella & Rick are a litle more secluded from the humans." Carilise led the group back to the car. They all began to pile in, Bella whispering into Mikes ear something about agreeing with her. Mike smirked.... still.

"Uhm Where is Rick and I dont understand, what is coming?" Bella leaned forward from the back seat not noticing that Mikes hat had slipped and was now dangeling from her nipple.

"OMG He's attacking more humans..quick we must stop him!" Carilisle shocked reached down and removed his 6inch clear platform boots, he reached into the back of the car and removed Mikes prison shoes.

"Stealing shoes from a dead man Carlisle? Man WE are ALL going to hell!" Jasper chocked out. "Bella you should chase after Rick, your a new born and will be stronger and faster.. but what ever you do STAY AWAY FROM THE HUMANS!"

"No I am not leaving Mike here on his own.. what if someone takes him.. he's defenseless.. he doesnt even have SHOES!"

"Bella, what kind of idiot would steal a dead body?" Jasper retorted

"MIKES DEAD?!?!?!?!" The rest of the Cullens shouted in unison with gapping faces. Bella sheepishly made her way out of the car to chase after a frantic Rick James, the Cullens recovering from the shock of Mike followed her persuit, Mike remained behind shoeless.....


	27. Chapter 25

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 25**

**by La Ginsper**

**Three Weeks Later**

The Cullens were back at their home in Forks. Rick James was still on the run. Bella had chased after him, but was too easily distracted by fresh nipples and he was able to slip away.

The realization that Mike was dead took some getting used to, but the Cullens found that they had become so accustomed to him being there, that they just couldn't bear the thought of letting him go. This relieved Bella.

The Cullen family was still trying to adapt to life without khaki. This transition was more difficult for some than it was for others.

Bella was distraught over the loss of her beloved khaki, and even more distraught that Edward seemed to be going through some strange changes. One day she walked in on him running his fingers through Mike's hair and staring longingly into his dead eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Bella snapped as she ran to Mike, sheltering him from Edward.

"Uhhhmmm….Nothing," Edward responded, drawing his hand back quickly.

Alice had been shopping for weeks, working to replenish the Cullen wardrobe. She tried to ease Edward into it, offering him an array of browns and earth tones, but he was difficult to please.

"I don't like these! Get them away from me!" Edward pouted as he threw a pair of jeans at Alice.

"Edward, have you learned nothing? Look at what we've been through. You must learn to live without khaki. It's for the greater good," Alice explained.

"Fine. I'll just have to endure it," Edward snapped as he stomped away.

He went outside, where he found Emmett.

"You okay, Edward?" Emmett asked. "You've got that whole tortured soul look going again."

After an extended silence, Edward finally found his voice.

"Emmett, have you ever noticed how intense Mike is sometimes? I mean, I spent his entire life hating him, but now there's something so innocent about him, so ….. receptive," Edward said, longingly.

Emmett stared at him, jaw dropped, in disbelief.

"No, dude. I have definitely NOT noticed that," Emmett answered.

Edward looked sheepishly embarrassed and ran off into the woods to hunt. He was so depressed that he stayed gone for several days. When he finally returned, the entire Cullen family and Mike were gathered in the living room waiting for him.

"What's going on, why is everyone here?" Edward questioned.

"Please have a seat, Edward. We're all here because we love you," Carlisle said. "Bella, why don't you go first."

"Edward, I love you, but your khaki addiction has got to stop. It is hurting you, and it's hurting me. Emmett told us what you said about Mike, and we think that is inappropriate and we're concerned for your mental wellbeing. We want you to get help. This is an intervention," Bella explained.

One at a time each of the Cullens took turns telling Edward how his khaki addiction had hurt them. When it was Mike's turn, Bella leaned her ear towards him, and spoke on his behalf.

After weeping his notears for a few hours, they finally got him to agree to going to a meeting. Later that night they dropped him off for his first meeting of **KLA: Khaki Lovers Anonymous**. With the khaki ban still in effect, Edward Cullen was not the only one having trouble adjusting.

"Hello everyone, my name is Tyler and I'll be leading the meeting tonight, let's start with some introductions," said the leader of KLA, then he turned to Edward, "Why don't you go first?"

"Hello, my name is Edward and I'm a khaki addict."

"Hi Edward," the group answered.

Edward broke down and cried more of his notears as he told the group of his passion for khaki.

After the meeting, Tyler called Edward aside.

"Listen Edward, I think you're a true believer. I'd like to invite you to join my crusade," Tyler whispered as he removed his glasses. By this point, the rest of the group had left and it was only Edward and Tyler.

He unzipped his hoodie and Edward gasped at what he saw. It was a fitted ivory turtleneck sweater – identical to the one that chaffed Edward's nipples. Next, Tyler reached down and pulled at his pants, which were apparently breakaways – and revealed that he was wearing khakis underneath.

"What is this?" Edward demanded, confused.

Tyler went to the back of the room and pulled a book from the shelf. All of a sudden the bookcase slid over and revealed a hidden door and staircase.

When Edward reached the bottom of the stairs he couldn't believe what he saw – boxes and boxes of khaki – everywhere! Sorting through the boxes were Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear.

"Welcome Edward. If you've made it this far, that means you are a true believer in the khaki cause. We are the **K**haki **L**iberation **F**ront, the **KLF**, an underground movement that advocates the legalization of khaki. We believe in khaki rights for all, by any means necessary," Tyler explained as he ran his hand over his short, cropped hair. "I used to have a fro. It was glorious. I wore it with pride, too. But I've had to make some sacrifices to keep my identity secret. And I suppose I can tell you now, 'Tyler' is the Clark Kent to my Superman. Down here I'm known as Mr. Justice."

"_You're_ Mr. Justice?!" Edward asked incredulously. "You're the Khaki Crusader? What are you planning?"

"This Edward," Mr. Justice said as he picked up a khaki top from the box. "Feel it. This is khaki made of 100% natural fibers. Check it out."

Edward ran his fingers along it. It was smooth, breathable, yet still khaki.

"No chaffing?" Edward asked.

"Nope," Mr. Justice answered with a smile. "This will revolutionize the way the world uses khaki."

"What can I do to help?" Edward asked anxiously.

Stacy stepped forward to explain the plan. "We act tonight. We are delivering khaki all over the country, women and children first. Once people see the beauty of khaki, they will have to lift the ban," she said as she handed him a flyer. In big letters at the top it read, "**Khaki: It Matches Everything, Let it Complete **_**Your**_** Wardrobe**".

Edward's super speed made him the ultimate ally for the KLF. That night Edward became a soldier in the KLF militia and spread khaki throughout the country. By morning, families from coast to coast awoke to find the amazing, all natural khaki sitting on their doorsteps with the flyer from the KLF.

Mr. Justice planned a press conference with Stacy and Clinton addressing the nation. They explained how they had learned the error of their ways, and that the world needed khaki back in it. As the renowned fashion police that they were, the nation responded to this message.

That afternoon khaki was legalized.

Edward Cullen shed his notears of joy and returned to his family.  
**  
A/N: Sorry that was so long, I had a lot of ground to cover! Khaki is legal again!!! Woohoo!**


	28. Chapter 26

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 26**

**by Nalwaves**

Bella paced.

It had been almost a day and a half since they had dropped Edward off at the KLA meeting. Where could his nipples be?

News had broken early that morning that the khaki ban had been lifted; it was legal again to wear khaki! At that thought Bella touched her long khaki skirt, recalling her fuzzy human memory of wearing this same garment to meet Edward's family. It felt right to wear it again.

Mike also seemed tense.

"Mike, don't worry. Edward won't be gone too much longer," she promised, soothing away Mike's fears. Bella stared into his lifeless eyes, and was completely creeped out. "Please wear your glasses, your eyes follow me wherever I go," Bella sighed, straightening his sunglasses and hat and heard the sound she was waiting for. Edward was almost home.

"Go, I'll take care of Mike," Tanya volunteered. (Tanya? Oh, right, Tanya was in Forks after Vegas.) Bella didn't like Tanya hanging around; she looked at Mike and Edward in strange ways.

Bella reluctantly let go of her Mike safety blanket and went to meet Edward on the porch. Emmett, Rose, and Esme were hunting but everyone else joined her outside.

"There you are!" Carlisle greeted as Edward slowed and bounded up the stairs, embracing Bella.

"Sorry everyone, I had some business to attend to."

"Have you heard about khaki?" Jasper asked eagerly.

"Oh, I've heard," Edward replied cryptically, which caused an awkward moment.

"I thought you'd be happier," Bella said quietly.

"I'm ecstatic about the legalization of the material that I love, just a bit pissy that we already got rid of all our khaki! Well, apparently not your skirt, but everything else," he grumbled. He really was a whiny teenager sometimes.

"The KLF have been planning the legalization of khaki for quite some time, there's a whole mall dedicated to it in Seattle. They have Old Khaki, Khaki Republic, Abercrombie and Khaki, Hollikhaki, American Khaki, Khaki Barn, Gaki, and Hot Khaki opening today," Alice's pixi-like body almost buzzed with the anticipation she felt over shopping.

Edward's mood changed immediately. "You mean I could be wearing my very own khaki again today?"

"Yes, my son, that's the idea," Carlisle smiled and they went to tell Mike and Tanya the plan. They were gone.

"Mike? Tanya?" Carlisle called, uncertain. "Alice, where are they?"

"She… she took him."

"Mike's been kidnapped!?" Bella screeched, fear and anger rising simultaneously in her vampire body. "We have to go get him!"

"We will, but we need khaki first," Edward said, his voice determined.

A short while later the Cullens were running to Seattle, Rosalie, Emmett, and Esme were notified and came along, they were just as excited about owning khaki garments again as the rest of them. Edward couldn't wait so he had ripped part of Bella's skirt off and made himself a crude sleeveless vest. Bella was amazed that her skirt could be any length other than long.

When they arrived at the Khaki Mall, Edward's jaw nearly dropped at all of the fantastical khaki stores. He wept his notears of joy once more. Mr. Justice was there and waiting.

"Edward, you did an amazing thing for khaki," he said, and Bella tilted her head in confusion.

"You? You're part of the KLF?" Bella questioned, and Alice gasped.

"That's what you were doing! You took a huge risk, Edward," Alice grumbled, secretly jealous but too distracted by the possibility of khaki leather pants with a matching sequined top to really yell at her brother.

"I know, but it was worth it. If Bella and I couldn't be together with khaki, well, I couldn't live that way. Forgive me, Bella?" Edward asked, turning toward her and doing his best to dazzle her.

"No."

"No?" He questioned, wishing for the gazillionth time that he could read her mind.

"No, you have to tell me what's going on…" Bella trailed off as she was distracted by a scent.

"Grab her! She'll go for the nipples!" Jasper urged, and Emmett clamped his arms around Bella.

"I'm not going for the nipples, Idiotsper, I think I smell Rick James."

"Oh. Well, the emotions are similar," Jasper grumbled and they all followed Bella to Khaki Barn.

"Rick!" Rosalie exclaimed as they saw him, looking fairly normal except for his red eyes. He was behind a cash register.

"What are you doing here?" Esme questioned, everyone wondering how he could be with all these humans and be resisting.

"This is my day job," He replied, shrugging.


	29. Chapter 27

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 27**

**by McLola**

Edward was now dressed head to toe in khaki. Even his tightie-khaki's. The whole family was standing around catching up with Rick James when Alice grabbed Edward's arm. She whispered into his ear "you have to hurry. Tanya is taking Mike to a cave in the mountains near our house. If you leave now you may be able to stop her." Edwards jaw tightened and he nodded his head.

"Hold Bella back so she doesn't follow me. I need to do this alone." He ran off not waiting for an answer.

"Where is he going?" Bell demanded  
"He wanted to go get you a gift, a surprise. So stay here and don't ruin it for him" Bella nodded her head, but inside she was fuming.  
________________________________________________________________________

Tanya carried Bella's security blanket over her shoulder. She ran swiftly through the trees feeling Mike's dangling hands smack against her ass. She smiled lustfully knowing she would soon be satisfied. She made her to a cave hidden in the side of a mountain. She sniffed making sure there were no large animals inside.

Tanya gently placed Mike on the cave floor leaning him against a rock so he was partially sitting up. "Now you hot piece of stud, we can finally be alone." She whispered while caressing his hair. Mike just sat there keeping his mouth closed. "What, shy all of a sudden? I saw how intensely you have been watching me. You know you want this as much as I do." She slipped a tongue in his ear quickly pulling it back out again. She looked down her nose at the tip of her tongue to find a maggot squirming there. She quickly swallowed it. "Mmm, an aphrodisiac."

Mike still just sat there. Tanya huffed "Hmm the strong silent type eh? That's okay I like to be the dominant one." She held his hand against her breast while forcing his mouth open with her tongue. She wanted to be rough so she bit his tongue, but the whole thing came off in her mouth. She spit it to the side. Mike still just sat there. "Hmm no complaining? You must like it rough." She gave a deep throated giggle. She reached for the top of his khaki shorts and began to unbutton them. "Let's see what you got for momma." She got Mike's pants half way down when she stopped in shock. "WAIT, what the hell is that?"

Tanya wasn't sure what she was looking at. It sure as hell wasn't a penis, but it wasn't a vagina either. It was a little nub. It almost looked like a midgets thumb. It took a moment for Tanya to recover but then she got a wicked smile on her face. "I have never seen anything so perfect." She grabbed a bottle of Tabasco she kept strapped to the inside of her thigh. She poured some on the nub. "I like my men hot" Just as she lowered her head to taste the perfection a large shadow blocked the entrance of the cave.

"That nub belongs to me!" It was Edward. Tanya hissed and crouched in font of Mike.

"What do you mean it's your nub?"

Edward began to explain. "Mike was actually born Mckayla. I have heard all of his deepest thoughts. As a small child Mckayla knew she was different. She began to dress like a boy and refused to do anything girly. She even tried peeing standing up. Soon her parents knew there was nothing they could do about it so they let her take testosterone shots. Slowly Mckayla became Mike, though there was still one important part missing. Since mike was….silenced he has been deteriorating. I took him to Carlisle so he could be 'fixed'. Carlisle made this wonderful nub for him. I made him leave the other part for Bella. I call it a pegina."

Tanya stared wide eyed between Edward and Mike. Mike still just sat there. "I never realized that such a miracle could ever exist," She whispered. "I can't let you take him from me, not now that I know how absolutely perfect he is." Tanya began to slowly move towards Edward. He crouched ready to do battle with this vixen. There bodies collided, the thunderous sound echoing against the cave walls. Tanya was a vicious fighter, but Edward was faster and stronger. He was able to maneuver her so her back was to him. He ripped her head off throwing it away from him. He really didn't want to kill her, so he just left her there to mend herself. He quickly made Mike decent again, leaving the Tabasco sauce on. He decided that might actually be fun to try. He lifted him in a fireman's carry and took off for Khaki Barn.


	30. Chapter 28

**We do not own Twilight**

**A/N: Chapter written by Scarlett**

**Chapter 28**

**A/N- Well here it is – my final post to TK major [sad5] **

"This is dispatch we have a 10.40 suspect in your area for pick up in connection to the 10.65 missing persons report. Do you copy?"

"Roger that. This is sierra oscar 759876 I have a visual on suspect and closing in.. request for back up.. this could get ugly. Over and Out."

"Roger that sierra oscar 759876, back up request confirmed and on route. Over and out."

Edward made his way down to the grassy hill with Mike slung over his shoulders, relieved to have Mike back, dealing with vamp Bella without her comforter was not a good way to go.. at all! Still wearing his 7inch platform boots he concentrated on his footing. Mike was heavy, which was expected for a dead guy but not for a vampire, the guy clearly didn't use the bathroom a whole lot after losing his wiener. Edward sighed, running at vamp speed in these shoes would only lead to one thing... a sprain and god forbid his damned soul should have to endure that aswell, besides he bruised like a peach. No, he would take it slow on the way back to Khaki Barn, make sure he and Mike got back to Bella in perfect condition.

As he hit the main road, his thoughts drifted over the past year, so much had happened. The relief of the day finally getting Khaki back into his life, the day Bella was turned and freed from imprisonment; yes things could have went a lot smoother. But it all worked out in the end. He had Bella now for eternity, he had his Khaki back and he could disco with them until the cows came home.. yes today was a good day. His thoughts drifted on wiping out everything else until he heard a loud screech coming up behind him.

Edward froze. _OH SHIT!_ On instinct Edward threw Mikes body into the woods as far as he could hoping he would land in the safety net of the branches so as not to cause that much damage to his decomposing limbs. Whoever was coming did not want to see a guy with another guy who just so happened to be very, very dead.

Once Mike was out of sight, Edward spun round to see who was coming up.. COPS! Why hadn't he heard them? And there was no one else around, were they coming for him? Did they know about the KLF? _OH SHIT! _

Suddenly the entire force of Forks police surrounded him, three police cars. Edward raised his hands as he saw Charlie exiting one of the vehicles.

"Edward son? It's me Charlie. Now we just have a few questions for you, OK? We need you to come down to the station with us to answer a few questions, can you do that with out causing a scene?" Charlie edged forward.

_OH SHIT! _If Edward could, he would have wet his pants but he had as much urinary function as dead Mike, and at this precise moment he was thankful for it. Good lord staining brand new khaki pants with urine was just unfathomable regardless of the predicament.

"Uhm Charlie can I ask what this is all about? I don't understand, I was just on my way home, I haven't done anything wrong... what do you want to question me about?"

"I think we better save this for the station son, and perhaps think about getting yourself a lawyer. Come with me please Edward" Charlie now standing behind Edward handcuffed him and lead him to the back of his police car. They drove in silence to the station, Edward peed his pants in his head over and over and over again.

Why has Edward been arrested? How come Alice didn't see this coming and rescue poor Edward? Has Mike survived the trees? WTF is going on????? (I missed putting this little bit at the end lol)

**A/N.. Well folks the end is nigh.. Gin and Dom will be taking the final two chapters, apologies this wasn't all that funny but I had to build up the story a little bit for the finale.. Over to you Gin! **


	31. Chapter 29

**We do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 29**

**by La Ginsper**

"Tell me where he is!" shouted the officer. "This is the last time I'm going to ask you: _Where is Michael Newton_?"

Edward sat in the interrogation room across from the police officer that had been questioning him for over an hour. Apparently, Mike Newton had been reported missing. Edward was the prime suspect.

He said there, terrified, unsure what to say, so he said nothing.

Telling the truth would mean sending Bella back to prison. The police would never understand that an intense nipple fetish was just too much temptation for a newborn vampire to resist.

The other alternative would be surrendering Mike's body to the authorities and making it look like an accident. The Cullens were always good at destroying evidence. With a little effort they could make Mike's death look like an accident.

But that would mean a life without Dead Mike Newton.

Edward wondered if that life would even be worth living.

He thought back to Mike's intense, yet sweet stare and his cold, dead heart felt somehow warmer. He thought of how Bella curled up and wrapped Dead Mike around her like a security blanket. Dead Mike was a part of the Cullen family now. Even Carlisle and Esme had accepted him, and as Carlisle always said, "we protect our family".

So who would the Cullens protect? Dead Mike or Edward?

Edward suddenly remembered how he had left Mike, thrown off among the trees. He hoped no harm had come to the delicate corpse. Mike was fragile. Edward despised himself for not taking better care of him.

Frustrated, the officer ended the interrogation and took Edward back to his cell. Cold and alone, Edward sat and tried to plan his next move. He had already used his one phone call and it went to the Cullen's voicemail.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps and looked up to see Esme, in her prison guard uniform, peering in at him.

"Esme! What are you doing here?" he asked. "I tried to call you!"

"Edward, we are so sorry," she said, looking embarrassed. "Emmett decided to throw an impromptu fro-down and we've been discoing all night. You know how it gets, none of us heard the phone."

"But how did you get here so fast?" Edward asked.

"Alice saw you in here, and she saw that you were trying to call us," she answered.

"Great. So she sees _this_, but she didn't see it coming in time to warn me. Perfect," Edward snapped.

"Edward, we need to focus," Esme explained. "Carlisle is set to accept a position here as the prison doctor. We've even got Jacob lined up to step in as a cafeteria worker. Emmett's considering infiltrating as another prisoner. We've got the whole family back in position. We'll figure a way out of this. We're all here to support you, just like we did for Bella when she was incarcerated."

"Come on Esme, let's be simple about this. I think we need to turn in Mike's body," Edward said reluctantly. "It's the only way."

"Edward, you can't ask Bella to do that," Esme gasped.

"I endured that nipple chaffing sweater and even gave up my khaki for her. Is it not enough to live a long and happy life with _me_?" he sobbed. "Can't she live without the Dead Newton…_for me_?"

Suddenly there was commotion at the end of the hall. Then there were footsteps again. Esme and Edward turned expectantly, and then they saw him.

Mr. Justice sauntered up to them. He was a vision in khaki. Edward drew a hand to his chest and if he had breath at all, Mr. Justice would have taken it away.

"Hello Edward, Ms. Cullen," he said with a nod. "I heard you could use some help, Edward. And after the way you stepped in and helped us with the khaki situation, I want you to know that I am prepared to do whatever it takes to help you."

_What can the Cullens and Mr. Justice do? Will the Cullens find Mike's corpse in the woods before animals get to it? How will Bella react to all of this? Why is Jacob agreeing to this plan to help Edward? What will happen to poor Edward in prison?_

_Find out in the dramatic conclusion of Khaki Incarceration!_

**A/N: I missed the closing questions too, scarlett! I'm very [sad5] this is the end. Khaki Incarceration has had a good run. Thanks to domestica for starting it all with her IMDb thread :). TK will live on in spin-offs and sequels!**


	32. Chapter 30

**We do not own Twilight**

**A/N: This chapter was written by the fabulous Domestica12! **

**Chapter 30 **

**THE END.**

Edward endured a long six days in his tiny cell just as Mr. Justice had instructed him to do. All Edward could do during those long nights was think about the plan over and over again. Everything had to go according to plan.

"Edward, if we're going to pull this off we need to make them believe that they're going to get what they want. Do you understand? We're going to have to play by their rules for now." Mr. Justice had told him during their quiet visit last week while Esme stood nearby in her guard's uniform twirling her night stick.  
"Ok, let's go over this one more time." Edward said as he leaned over compulsively scrubbing out the orange of his jumper hoping to make it a lighter khaki color.

"Open Cell #17" Esme roared over the noisy inmates the next morning. Just as she did Jacob rolled up with his breakfast cart.  
"Here, Edward. This one's fresh." he greeted as he pulled out a tupperware of bright crimson elk blood. "Bella sent it herself."  
Edward begin to salivate uncontrollably. Sweet vampire Bella. He hadn't fed since he was caught in the woods. He quietly apologized to his now-dead inmate. Apparently she was in for being an internet skinhead on his favorite website--a conviction that was hardly acceptable to Edward.  
As he inhaled his elks blood savagely Jacob turned to face the outside of his cell as to hide Edward from sight which wasn't hard to do with his massive height.  
"Bella and Mr. Justice also sent this..they said you would know what it's for.." Jacob said quietly. Edward could see Esme hovering a few cells down looking away as if not listening to them.  
Edward opened up the heavy brown paper bag. It's perfect, thought Edward.  
"So did you guys ever find Mike?" Edward asked.  
"Yeah, don't worry about that. Esme told me they found him last night.  
"Ah, that's so good." Edward said as he pictured his perfect Bella sound fake-asleep with Mike draped over her. Of course his eyes would still be wide open with flies sticking to them but if that's what Bella wants then she'll have it. He must be like a beautiful stitched quilt to Bella, Edward thought. Literally. He did feel bad that both Mike's arms managed to be ripped off after throwing his body into the forest. Apparently his stiff limbs hooked onto some trees as his body continued straight in between them. (Thankfully Carlisle was able to reattach them.)

"Well, thanks for the package, Jake. I really owe you one. I heard about you getting married too, man. I hope that really works out for you." Jacob quickly pulled his breakfast cart in front of him as to hide something. Oh wait, Edward knew that feeling well since it had to do with his favorite meal--human blood.

Later that night Esme snuck up to Edward's cell and asked if everything was going ok.  
"Esme get the fuck out of here! You'll blow your cover!" Edward hissed. He turned back around to his disco Cullen poster. He couldn't believe he managed to get the same cell Bella had while she was in here. He pulled up the bottom corner of the poster and went back to work. He picked up his tool--his beautiful bright white disco shoe. I can't believe the only plan vampires would come up with was to use the heel of a disco shoe to chip through the cell wall hidden under the Cullen poster. According to the plan, Edward would climb through the wall, out the sewer and into the stream where his family would be waiting for him. He thought about his sudden freedom which urged him to work even harder.

Suddenly the warning siren went off and all hell broke loose! There was a crowd of inmates on the lower level of the jail ambushing the door to try to break free. Who was at the head of the crowd??? Jake???  
Edward hurried down the steps and quickly got to Jacob in the front.  
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Edward yelled at Jacob over the noise of the crowd.  
"I gotta get out of here, Edward!! I can't stay here anymore! I want to be with the Hutt! She IS my life now! Edward, didn't anyone tell you what I did?? When I found out about the cops looking for you and Mike I put myself in the middle of all of it." Jacob yelled back. "I didn't want Mike to be found so to be found so Bella could get him back. She's my bff, bro. I gave them some bogus information. It helped divert from where Mike's body was but it was so fake that they locked me up here, man! I was able to keep my job but they fucking stuck me here! Fuck this! I can't stay here anymore! The hutt is waiting for me, Edward. Home..alone.. Listen, I know we had a plan for you and all but if you left and Esme left who would be here to help me??" Jacob gave one more desperate growl before pushing the guards out of his way.  
Edward was stunned. He could barely get his legs to move but when he did he ran back up to his cell to retreive his disco heel and his only pair of khakis which he was using as a pillow.  
It was over. All of this was over. Edward had Bella, even a vampire Bella! And Bella had her dead Mike back and her beautiful Edward and all was right with the world. Infinate disco. Infinate khaki. Infinate corpse blankets. All was well and will always be.

**AN  
Goodbye, TK. I'll love you and it's fellow authors forever for creating this with me.**


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